An older musing, first written on: 12/10/2021
It was about two weeks till Christmas, and I was grocery shopping. I’ve got to admit, though I love Christmas and all the things Christmas-related, I do not care for Christmastime shopping. It is all rather over-stimulating; too many people hustling and bustling at too fast a pace over too much product stuffed into too small (or too large) of stores with music too loud, drowning out the sounds of too much consumerism… oh no, nothing sours my Christmas spirit quite like Christmas shopping. These days, I tend to get most of my own gift hunting done a month or two early, so that I can simply sit back and enjoy the Christmas season with more presence and peace of mind. (That, and, by this age, I’ve come to know myself and my ADHD-fueled tendency to procrastinate!) But no matter the season, there are always groceries and household necessities to be obtained every. single. week. And so, it was two weeks till Christmas, and I was grocery shopping.
Now, I have a little check-out lane game I like to play. I call it the “Make ‘em Smile” game, for lack of a better name. Perhaps it’s not so much of a game, but you see, I like games and look forward to playing them, so calling it such helps encourage a playful, positive attitude, no matter how sour the process of pushing the cart with the wobbly wheel down isle after congested isle of choices, reading labels, and collecting (or not!) the necessary household goods has been. It’s a great way to end any shopping trip on a high note, but especially at Christmastime. Oh, I know, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”, right? Come on, now… have you ever BEEN shopping at Christmastime? Store-based tensions are at an all-time high, and who takes the brunt of peoples frustration, anger and disappointment? Cashiers do. And taking just a moment to look them in the eye, and honestly ask them “how has your day been?”, maybe followed up with a “have you been here long?” or a “Seems busy today; do you get to escape and go home soon?” can invite a beautiful moment of connection and care that makes a difference in both of your days.
So the game is this; make them smile. Do whatever you have to do to make them smile before they hand you that receipt. I’ve noticed that usually, simply connecting through an inquiry into how their day is will be enough to elicit a grin. Sometimes I’ve had to resort to complimenting her hair or fingernails, commenting on his badge that declares “5 years of service” and asking “what’s been the best thing about working here these last 5 years?” Anytime the kids are with me, it tends to be even easier – something about my beautiful, goofy littles automatically pulls the smiles out of work weary cashiers.
Back to my story: It’s two weeks till Christmas, and I’m grocery shopping – at Aldi. I always enjoy my local Aldi; the people who shop there tend to be kind and jovial, creating a beautiful ethos and culture, and the cashiers are some of the sweetest, most personable I’ve met! But of course, it’s two weeks to Christmas, and even at my typically happy Aldi, there is a hovering tension and frustration as items are running out of stock. I gather my things, checking my list, doubling back a few times for things forgotten, and finally head to the front. After some waiting, it’s my turn in the check-out line. Again, I’m at Aldi, which, of course, means I play two games at check-out; the first being “get-all-the-stuff-on-the-conveyer-belt-before-the-cashier-empties-it” – a game I only win if they let me, let’s be honest. But then I get to play the “Make ‘em Smile” game. At my local Aldi, it’s pretty easy to play this game – sometimes I can even get the whole line of people behind me smiling too with some silly antic or other! And this day was no different.
“Did you find everything OK?” I heard the all-familiar Aldi greeting from across the conveyer as I feverishly snatched things out of my cart and onto the belt, trying desperately to win this time. I breathlessly mumble some rambling reply about some things being out of stock, but that’s OK, it’s to be expected this time of year, just gotta make some changes to the meal plan, no big deal. Cart empty, and my cardio for the day achieved, I take a deep breath to regain my voice. “How’s your day been”? I ask, lifting my eyes to meet hers. “Oh, you know, just about feel like I’ve got myself calmed down now.” she replies. “Oh no! What happened?” I probe.
She proceeds to tell me her story from just a few moments early of a customer who did not have enough money in her account for her purchases, so the card declined. The customer was so upset, yelling at the cashier, blaming and threatening her over the situation, acting completely unreasonably. This beautiful lady mentions prayer, asking God for help in dealing with the disgruntled, unkind customer, and that though He granted her request in the moment, she was still quite shaken up over it on the inside. At this point, I realize I’m face to face with a fellow Christ-follower, and I have an opportunity not just to make her smile, but to speak into her life and encourage her as a sister in Christ.
Except I couldn’t seem to find the right words. See, she keeps sharing as she rings up the total and runs my card. She speaks of not letting the upset shopper’s reaction get her down, because “…my spirit is too precious, know what I mean?” I tried to chime in some notes of encouragement to her testimony, but her words were stirring something up in me, resounding in my heart like a distant church bell, ringing steadily and soundly. My spirit is too precious… I couldn’t seem to find the words to minister to her because in that moment, she was ministering to me.
Her spiritual church bells just kept ringing in my heart while I bagged up my groceries, while I drove home, while I unloaded. The question would not leave me alone: Is my spirit too precious? Well, yes, of course. There are so many passages that declare our worth as image-bearers of God, as children of God, as co-heirs with Christ, how could I NOT believe that I am precious in his sight?
And yet…
Is my spirit too precious when the dishes begin to multiply in the sink, the laundry morphs into mountains, and the floor has somehow disappeared under a sea of misplaced socks, toys, and other odds and ends? Is my spirit too precious when the children fight and bicker with one another, and I fail to respond with love and patience? Is my spirit too precious when the budget is strained? Is my spirit too precious… in big-city rush-hour traffic?
If I’m honest with myself, I don’t guard my spirit very well from soaking in the negativity around me.
If I’m really honest with myself, I don’t guard my spirit very well from collapsing under the weight of the negativity inside me, either. I’m actually pretty good at beating my own spirit up.
So often I worry about how my reactions and over-reactions negatively affect my children’s spirits, but I fail to consider how they negatively affect my own. Oh, my children are precious, and they can be so easily broken by my own broken attitudes. Yes, they are of utmost importance in regards to my care and affection, and yes, the joys and wounds I may impart upon them in these precious young days may build or bruise their spirits for a lifetime – their spirits most certainly are precious! But when was the last time I paused to consider not only the value of their spirits, but of my own too? In those dark, painful, bad-mommy moments, more often than not I find myself beating myself up over my own bad behavior toward them, bruising my own spirit just as harshly.
But what would it look like if I could change the narrative? What if I intentionally took every thought captive, refusing to absorb the negativity around me and within me? What if I no longer let situations in life sway my spirit into darkness? What if I could not only protect my spirit as precious from the world, but from the sin within me too?
Do I really believe my spirit is precious?
I see the darkness that resides inside. I know the thoughts that run wild in my own mind. I feel the heaviness and anger that plague me daily. I know my heart. I am broken, beaten, gross, a sinner. I am not who I want to be. Not even close.
Motherhood is such a struggle. Never have I felt more unappreciated, taken for granted, taxed and used. These kids need so much, and can give back so little. I am tired, merely surviving the days sometimes, far from thriving, terribly lonely and dismayed. And I’ve listened to those voices telling me I’m not enough, not good enough, not patient enough, not loving enough, not organized enough, not enough, not enough, not enough.
Yeah. My spirit is pretty beat up these days. It doesn’t feel precious at all.
But that’s not who I am, is it? My head know it. I mentally can assent to the words of God in Scripture that say I am bought at a price and I am not my own, that the King is enthralled by my beauty, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am shielded in the shadow of His wings, that I am covered and made new in the blood of Christ.
But my head has a hard time of reminding my heart of that in the middle of a tense, angry moment with the kids.
Can you relate? Is it just me?
So, yes, I do forget who I am, and more than that, WHOSE I am. Life is beautiful and hard, and the seasons of life ebb and flow, sometimes it’s the mountaintop, and sometimes it’s the valley. HE IS GOOD IN ALL SEASONS, even when I feel like I’ve lost myself. He knows where I am. And He calls me PRECIOUS, even when I struggle. Even when I fail. Even when I yell at the kids for the 17th time in one day and fight those mom-guilt thoughts that plague me.
Maybe I struggle to live it, but the truth is, MY SPIRIT IS PRECIOUS.
Because I’m made in the image of God.
Because I’m saved by the blood of the Christ.
Because He has a wonderful plan for my life.
Because He’s not done with me yet.
Because I’m held in His hands.
Because HE IS STILL GOOD, even when I am not.
He knew I’d struggle like I do today.
He died for me anyway.
He died for me knowing I’d stuggle to see myself like He sees me. He died for me knowing I’d yell at the kids too much. He died for me knowing I’d beat myself up for that. He died knowing the internal struggles I face daily.
My spirit is too precious.
Glory be.
Praise God my worth isn’t based on how I see myself. Praise God my worth isn’t based on how “good” of a mom I am. Praise God my worth is not mine to set.
Yes. I have work to do to remind myself and walk in the truth that my spirit is too precious to let the circumstances, thoughts and negativity affect it so much. But PRAISE GOD that work does not change the fact that my spirit is too precious.
And yours is too.
Romans 8:31ff
What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,
“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Cotton Ribbons 